It’s not as catchy as the “Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline” but it’s just as edgy and the UCP wants YOU to share your personal anecdotes, conjecture and conspiracy theories; after all, what, seriously, are we paying $2 million dollars for?
Bradford Stoll, spokesperson for the Diligent Use of Money Befitting Alberta’s Finances, or DUMBAF, defended the $2 million dollar operation.
“Our goal was to attack environmentalists with as much ammunition as possible and since we didn’t have any, we thought it would be best to collect information anonymously online.”
“And really – it’s pretty hard to believe that any foreign money would be coming into Canada. Over the past three years, Jason Kenney has been droning on about the lack of investment in the province and country due to the NDP-Trudeau Alliance. But we are absolutely certain we’ll find billions of dollars propping up the environmental movement.”
The website, launched on September 9, 2019, states the commissioner has a mandate to investigate “anti-Alberta” campaigns; the broadest mandate thus far. The press release about the website states the mandate is to investigate “anti-energy” campaigns which was a broader mandate than Kenney had during the election: “anti-oil sands” campaigns. Chalk it up to personal growth.
The press release reportedly caused a flurry of activity between fact-repellent media outlets. Sources close to the fan when it hit say commentators were concerned their anti-anything-but-oil campaigns could be targeted.
“We are not going to attack businesses we like,” clarified Steve Allan, Commissioner of the inquiry. “In fact, we haven’t been able to smear many Alberta employers specifically, but we’re working on it and we need the public’s help.”
“Once we identify the fat cat not-for-profits receiving these windfalls of cash, we can defund them, lickity split,” Allan said candidly.
In an email from the campaign trail in some other part of Canada, Premier Jason Kenney said he was really looking forward to balancing Alberta’s books on the backs of non-profit funding.
“I was elected to do some real damage and this witch hunt will help identify any and all not-for-profits that have had the gall to apply for grants outside of this province. If they’ve accepted foreign funds, we will happily shut them down for good”, he wrote.
“Alberta is open for business to accept foreign investment; not charities.”
Environmental groups stated they would respond as soon as they find more volunteers.
This post is satire.
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