After a long day of responding to trolls who don’t read what they’re commenting on, an Alberta woman threw the towel in the basket with barely a “swoosh”.
“I don’t even know what the f*ck they’re talking about” she said angrily as she folded the third basket of her children’s laundry while swearing they hadn’t changed their clothes all week. After sharing a post on social media she inexplicably found herself learning about racial slurs from Quebec, immigration and “I kid you f*cking not; something about Quakers.”
“The post wasn’t about immigration but, suddenly, I found myself defending asylum seekers, knowing how many people sought asylum in Canada over the years, what constitutes a slur in French, specifically in Quebec, and a random person’s friend’s experience as a Quaker;” she declared with exasperation. “I found myself researching the origins of ‘Quebecois de souche’ to such an extent that I now use a French f*cking accent when I say it!”
While preparing dinner, tears streamed from her eyes as she angrily chopped onions. “I learned so much about a topic I don’t even remotely care about to answer goalpost moving questions that I could hardly keep up with” she told us. The breaking point was when one comment-writer asked her to not complain she was “insulted by a sewer rat”.
“What the f*ck does that have to do with ANYTHING?!” she wailed. Frustrated, she added chopped ham, chipotle seasoning, lemon zest, salt, pepper and peas to a skillet that was emitting an enticing aroma. “I will never” she said with conviction while stirring a cream sauce into the ham and pea mix “ever… share a post that isn’t about Trudeau but has his name in the first paragraph again.”
While we wanted to leave, and knew we should, dinner was almost ready and if we could possibly keep the conversation going, it seemed like we would have a plate. We asked about the elephant in the room; “so, if it wasn’t about Trudeau, or immigration… what was the post about?”
She stared long and hard, right through our souls, and, choosing her words carefully admitted that “it was about the increasing number of politicians who are willing to support white nationalist interest groups”.
As we began to eat an amazingly simple concoction in silence, our eyes met hers as we sipped our Italian white; “I know way more than I ever wanted to know about immigration” she whispered, “that our numbers in 2017 were less than 2000 and 2001… but only slightly higher than 2008 when Stephen Harper was Prime Minister”. And with that, we finished our meal in silence; saddened by the apparent manufactured crisis of the Official Opposition… but we had wine… which is so much better than facts.
This is satire based on personal f*cking experience. Do with it what you will.
firstname.lastname@example.org, @thisweekinAB on Twitter and Facebook