Environment Minister Catherine McKenna denied the carbon tax would increase and then appeared to deny denying it but has since clarified that she denies denying she denied it. Conservative Party of Canada hopefuls were ecstatic.
“The Liberals said it wasn’t going to go past $50 a tonne,” said Pierre Pollievre with a steely eyed glare, “but the Environment Minister refuses to answer specifically by how much it is going to increase. Those of us who have spent our entire careers in government know silence is code for ‘bankrupting Canadians’.”
Michelle Rempel-Garner could hardly contain her excitement about the “Liberal spin”.
“As you know, Albertans rejected a carbon tax,” Rempel-Garner interjected. “And as proud as I am of that Alberta gusto, I’m still the butt of the jokes by my American husband and his family. We need to make this right, for Canada, but mostly for my marriage.”
“Alberta is the only province in the country right now without a carbon tax,” Andrew Scheer noted, “every time my driver fills up I hear the change jingling in his pocket. Like, literally, money in his pocket. That’s what I want to do for all Canadians – I want to make their pockets jingle.”
“And I’ve got at least four or five kids,” Scheer said with earnest, “do you have any idea how much it costs my wife to chauffeur five kids around?”
“No seriously, do you? I could really use those numbers.”
Rempel-Garner wrestled the microphone away.
“Natural disasters are a few billion a dozen. We shouldn’t force the citizens of Canada to pay for something they can easily have taken care of by buying the proper insurance” she said blithely. “Canadians don’t want the provincial government or the federal government or even the municipal government coming to their aid.”
Jason Kenney came along and cut her microphone cord, switching on a wireless mic.
“We can no longer trust anything the Liberal government says,” he said solemnly, “we trusted them before but they ruined it with their Quebec-company boosting, carbon tax cheer leading, job-killing adherence to the courts.”
“Like I said to Albertans, what is best for our economy is best for the whole country” Kenney said with growing bravado. “Albertans don’t have to pay for things like the schmucks in the rest of the country, the laws of economics don’t apply here!”
Scheer came out of nowhere and ripped the microphone from Kenney’s hands.
“When I am Prime Minister, every Canadian who isn’t worried about the future will benefit” Scheer said with earnest. “We will cut taxes… (inaudible) and we will make things better for ….(inaudible). And we will do all of that with a climate change plan that we really have no intention of implementing,” he said with a smug smile, “so it doesn’t matter that it would cost more than anyone else’s plan.”
“Canadians can trust me as the face of the Conservative Party of Canada, even if I don’t get to make any decisions at all.”
This post is satire. Hopefully.
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